Crushed

 I’m at a point where I’m criticized for things, no matter what. I’m quietly quitting and starting life over. MY life. MY dreams. MY desires.

Recently I was given the opportunity of a lifetime to go study massage in Hawaii for a few days! Home is taken care of and my spouse encouraged me to go, even. But right after I took the plunge and booked my flight I’ve been given the silent treatment. I feel bad for leaving now. But I don’t feel bad enough to cancel my trip. I NEED this! I work full time supporting my family and I haven’t had any time to myself or away in over 5 years. My spouse has been to concerts and went away for a week recently. They say it doesn’t count because it was a trip to see family and such, but I think staying at resorts and going to casinos counts as a proper getaway. Especially when they haven’t worked a job in 15 years.

My work is like my church. It is my quiet in the storm. I give of myself to help others. My work is my non crazy place and lately I get a pit in my stomach when I get in my car to come home. Like a what will I walk into this time?? 

Why do I have to endure hostility for bettering myself this time? What ‘punishment’ will I receive? Will it be my partner accusing me of cheating again? (I went to coffee with a friend and colored her hair) Will it be them pulling out another tooth and blaming me for their actions? Will it be them bashing their tail lights out again in a fit of rage and desperation? Will I get dentures thrown at me again? Will I have to call the police again? Or will it just be the silent treatment? The lack of respect or closeness that people crave? Will I sleep on the couch forever this time? So many questions. So little answers. And I’m always the bad guy. I’m told these things are all my fault. ‘You can’t pay the rent without me.’ ‘You’re going to be homeless.’etc.

I try to talk about these issues. When these things come up the tables get flipped. ‘You made me do this.’ ‘I do XYZ for you and you do nothing to repay me.’ At this point I’m so tired. I’m tired of trying. I’m quitting. Yet I’m beginning and yeah, it’s all my fault. I’m getting out.